TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically known for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully outside of place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have A different position exactly where American men can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: present Absolutely everyone a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It is really that he must quit using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the venture, replied, "You realize, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague Trump Tower Damascus has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from Place, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not merely unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Options


Probably the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "exactly where's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting attention from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree may even include things like:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD can have convert-down support."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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